past not equal to furture
now a dayz m getting realli lazii not onli tat but m having mixed emotions toosumthings make me think a lot while others i dun even bother abt itbut today's entry is abt my mummi the heroine of my life && certain thingssalrite mummi!!!!i knw u can see me tat m writing tis letter to ubut u can't response to me && even if u do neither can i see it or hear itcertain things realli hurt me mumi dun knw who to tell too but sumtimes i feel like crying out loudbut sumtimes i realli need a shoulder to pour out my sorrowsthe size of my heart is realli small but inside it 1001 things r all bottled upi dun knw wen it wld burst but wen it burst nth can be done teni always wanted to tell ya hw much u mean to mebut as i felt soo shy && found it soo childish tat my love for uhav neva been expresses )):as i wan to tell it nw, u aren't herey mus u leave me sooo fast wen u promised me million thingssbut nw all those things hav vanished through thin air17yrs ago a foetus was formed in ya wombthe place where nth can ever replace itthe place filled wit warmness & love & care & concern & everythingbut ten i didn't knw time wld be realli short for me to cum out so soon frm the heavenly placewen i came out i felt cold,shivery,scared ten i started crying hoping i wld get the warmness againten i heard ya heartbeat in those small ears & felt ya warmness once againten i realised i got bk the feeling againeach time wen i cried u picked me up && checked on methinkin sumthin might hav hurt me or even i was crying in hunger or anitingi started to grew upi grew up as a princessa baby gal where she got everything && demanded for morebut tat baby gal didn't realise tat she was making use of her mother's loveshe did not treasure temwen she got out of her cage she flew away far away frm her motherwhere she thought she cld do aniting && everything in lifeten 16yrs later she started making her mother cry each && every nitemaybe she took revenge??? or was it tat she didn't realise the love???she did not knw ten but nw wen tat baby gal is nw 17 she realised the truthbut the queen wasn't ard animoreshe started regreting by crying,screaming out loud hoping she wld sumhw find the warmness again.but she didn't,she did not get itsumtimes she wonders y is tat her sis && dad && even her dog cld see her && feel her presence while she does not get itis it her ill fate??? or the punishment tat she deserved??&& ten she asked the queen," Y MUM U HATE ME SOOO MUCH??" or "DID I MAKE U SUFFER SOO MUCH??" no answers given to herbut life as to still go on she can't forget the incident her whole life till she close her eyes && take her last breath on earthall she wish nw is tat once she is gone she wld go bk to her queen once againhoping to ask for forgiveness && give her the big warmest hug ani1 cld get it on earthas i walk dwn the streets i see many mother & daughters holding hand walkingtoking,laughing,eating,dancing,singing,fighting&& i get jealous as i dun get to do ani of them again wit uu mus be surprised hw cum i m writing abt u but i dun knw hw to express my loveso i realli hope u wld read tis && hug me in my dreams for once mumas u were concerned for my studies && u said i was always playfuli m proud to say i struggled && passed my N'leveli passed every single subjects mumi hope i made u proudnw u as wished again m taking my Os tis yri hope i wld do ya proud again by passing them && pursuing my dreamsi jus wan u to give me ya blessing for everything i do mummy love for u is not said by wrds,it can onli be felt by u && onli ulotsa love princess nw my life story!!!!i wonder y my bk of LIFE is soooo big && filled wit a lot of thingslolxxevery1 does face different kind of problem daily in life i wld not say my problems here but jus i feel INCOMPLETE && SCREWED && TROUBLED && LOSTtis wrds can describe hw i feel && wad is happeninggtime fly soooo fast tat nw is march gona end && april wld rise2mths left for my Os MT papersi hope tat i wld pass itat least B3 or A2 is enough for meeeegod bless everyone && tc of my queenLabels: lost soul
I gave you my promise
on Friday, March 28, 2008; 7:00 PM
after soooooooooooooooooooooooooo long m blogging againnnnearly 1 mth later i guesshaizzz no time to blog abt my daily life but i do write it dwnhmm lets seethere are many things i haven blog abt&& seriously there are many things going through in my mind nwadaysbut i hav no idea who to tell to && who wld eva bother to listen to wad i hav to saymaybe sum things are made to be jus hidden inside mebut my heart gets heavier each day && min && secjus a small heart can't contain everythingbut my heart trying to contain it && trying its level best not to pour outi believe tat i hav changed a biti can see for myself but sum ppl think its rongi dun live for them so i dun carebut human beings do tok alot at times if u noticebeing happi does not mean m happi all the timessum times i do out up a fake smile to show others m happii dun knw y osoi cry oso rong,shout oso rong,get angry oso rong,sumtimes i laugh oso rongif everything i do is rong means,ten i do wad??live a death life???i hav no idea wad i m doingbut i do hav idea wad i wann do in lifei hav planned sum things in life the way i wan things to bei hope it wld go && i wish i wld reach my dreams 1 dayin my life sum ppl hav drift awaythe ppl whom i wan tem to stay r movingthose ppl whom i didn't actualli care are staying wit me in times of needis tis called life or fate??who to be wit && who not to be wit??i dun knw!!!!!but i knw there is 2 ppl who is always there for me no matter wad1 is the hero of my life called my daddy && another is an angel of my life is called my sistertis 2 special ppl are god's gift to memy mum is now wit god so i dun realli need to thank her everyday cos i knw she is wit himso i thank god is like thanking my mumwit tis 2 ppl i can lead my lifenot forgetting my dearest imsai of my life my brotherhe is my eye opener for mei realli love tis 3 ppl but i hav neva showed or tell them hw much i love them or hw much they mean to mei m scared to tell cos of the age gap && the understanding between usm sure they wld understand my love even though i hav neva tld themi wld not say tis is a broken family but its a family which ppl are leading their own lifes but living together under 1 rooftis is called my family && onli mineno space for ani1 to enter or even break itsumtimes i wish jus to go bk to my mumcos she is the best lady i hav eva shared things witbut nw she is no more i knw she is listening to me from a far away place where she can hear me but i can't hear or see heri dun understand y god has to take her soo fast frm my life???she promised me many many things in tis worldbut nw all those things jus vanish to the thin airjus witin a snap whoshhhshe is goneaway frm the world,family,me many many thingsnothing in tis world is permanent1 day every1 has to gobut i wish wen i go there i wld get to be wit her once againmy life,my world is u my mumi may hav neva tld i love u to yabut nw as i wanna tell u not hear to listenbut i jus wanna tell hw much i love u && mishh u in tis worlda place without u is like a place of hell,shattered place wit all broken glasses i hav to step ontoeach day,hr,min,seclast phrase of the day::: I LOVE U MUM &&
I LOVE U DAD
I LOVE U SISTER
I LOVE U BROTHERtogether we live as 1
I gave you my promise
on Wednesday, March 19, 2008; 12:48 PM
twisted soul drifted away frm her body
ytd was supposed to be SPORTS DAY but due to the rain it was canceledwas damn sadd cos it was my last yr SPORTS DAY && had to be called off cos of the freaking rainarghhhh ))):aft tat me,bhavani,senbu,mathevi,durgesh didn't knw where to gowe wen to bishan interchange n spend nearly 15 mins to 1/2 hr thinking where to goall had different ideas && wen 1 agrees another doesntsooo in the end planned to go to my paradise YISHUNNslacked at MAC still wondering where to goi thought our day was gonna be F*ED UP but it didn'tall planned to go bunny hse to cook n watch an horror movieso the 5 sum took a cab to her placegot dwn at marsiling mrt station there n wen marketingcan u imagine 5 sch galz going marketing in their HSE T-SHIRT && CCA SKIRTSbought spagetti *sry i forgot the spelling oopzyy*,pasta && 2 cans of mushroom soupheaded to the video shop spend another 10 mins to choose a film in the end borrowed THE CLOSET a thai filmwalked to bunny hse n started to wrkdurgesh was cooking the pasta while senbu the spagatti & me the soup while bhavani & matz were helping while waiting for it to be cooked the 5 sums were toking stories damn fun wit them mua smoochiessssfinalli the food for the day was cookedunfortunately we didn't take the pics of the fabulous food cooked by usgot all set to watch the horror filmas usual matz was watching through the small holes of her hands,me hugging the pillow,durgesh beside me,senbu & bunny opp usall were eating while watching the moviei cld not eat finished as i was sooooo full areadythe movie was freaking BORINGhalf way through durgesh fell asleep lolxthe movie was making me slpy too but i tired not to slpaft 65mins the movie endedi wld say the worst suckadi movie i hav eva seen started taking pics wit my hp,ten senba's fone followed by matheviwe were jus camwhoring ytdin the end wen we combine all the fotos it was like 278 pics excluding the deleted picswe are known as the FUNNY FAMILYwhere it consists of 5 wonderful ppl in itme the daddy,senbu the mummy aka my wife,bunny the eldest daughter,durgesh the 2nd daughter,last but not least the 3rd daughter matheviwe camwhored till ard 4pm+ ten wen bk to bunny hse to transfer all pics to the pcard 5pm we left started walking bk to the mrt station wit matz,senbu,durgeshmet fariz n his friend therefariz tattoo is damn coolbut i knw it was very very painful hope he wld be alrite ((:love ya my small bro lolxheaded bk hmei thought my day wld end wit happiness but as usual it ended wit tears && unhappinessreached hme by 6pm got freaking scolding frm my daddyon y i was late n stuffwen to take my showercame to tell him abt my results but ended up getting scolding againtis time round i was crying cos it was very hurting the way he talked sumthingswhich i realli didn't expect him to tell but he tld off jus like tattoday morning i thought everything wld be normalbut i was scared cos today i was gonna get bk my progress report for TERM 1as i was putting on my shoes got another scolding early in the morningmy dad tld me tat my teacher col my sis ytd to tell abt my results&& hw badly i hav doneall over again the scolding startedwas crying on my way to schi seriously dun like ppl to scold or irritate my day in the morning cos in the end my day wld be F*ED UP!!!!was crying till i reached schcan u imagine hw much of tears it caused i think can fill 2 bottles of itwas getting scared as time passed bybut i was still trying my level best to laugh && smile12:30pm all were supposed to return to their classes to get their progress reportaccording to index orderi didn't get bk my result as my sis came n collect it bk hmeso i got even more scared cos i dun knw hw i didwas sitting on the fall in between mathevi's table && rani's tablewas laughing n laughing creating jokes in the end started cryingms wee came to me,she is realli very sweeti love her alotzshe squat on the floor && was talking to meshe ten showed me my resultsi started crying even moreas i realli didn't expect it to be sooooo badly donewas cryin till sch endedwas consoled by many but still i was realli very upsetso i asked my friends to follow me to the canteen to make a fone col to my dadi called him && started cryingi expected him to scold me but he didn'tinstead he talked to me very very nicely && lovingly he asked me y i was crying && stuff && said dun cry i still got time to improve && mus work even harder to achieve beta results in my MYEwaited till 2:30 cos of senbu her dance practice was at 2:30so me,durgesh,bhavani,senbu slacked till 2:30we were talking while can say waiting for matz to cum bk frm her CWObefore 2:30 she came bkthen senbu had to leave soooo saddten me,matz,durgesh,bhavani headed to MAC as we were hungrywhile eating all were talking cock storiesseriously but it was funnyi realli enjoy being wit my family aka friendssard 3:30 we left walked to the 2nd bus-stopwaited for our buses to cumsurprisingly 855 came 1st so i flagged the bus && it stopped my friends started to say BYE DADDY,TC,SEE U SOONponna cute sial they allcame bk hme,had my shower && wen up to my dad n lay dwn at his laphe ten encouraged me to do much beta n dun eva show tis kind of results againwas kinda happi && consoled but still feeling sad cos i realli didn't expect to do sooo badly for all my subjectswen bk to my rm,was thinking,doing sum file wrk,playing wit johnny n stuff&& nw blogging aft sooo long i guessneed to realli pull up my socks && get cracking at my wrkcan't wait for sch on monday even though its so called "MARCH HOLIDAYS " for uswill get to see my friends againm seriously very very tired of cryingit hurts alotbut sum ppl dun realli understand mem nt toking abt ani1 in particular so dun bother guessing who is it && stuffits jus for me alone to knw tats allgot to run nw,damn slpy but hav to eat my dinner 1st if not my daddy wld nag all over again' twisted soul drifted apart frm her body
I gave you my promise
on Friday, March 7, 2008; 7:50 PM
today was like sooo damn fucked up for me
cos sum things jus got stuck onto my brain
i hate such things in life
tats abt my hatred
nw abt my happiness
i asked my dad if i cld go to gamar's b'day
&& guess wad???
he said i cld go
maybe tat wld be my last outing
wo0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o
matz kept making me laugh today
even though i was mood out
she is my bestu partner both in crimes n laughter
another pig was bhuff she kept asking me wad was rong wit me
ten i said nth && put up a smile for her
certain things i dun knw hw to tell
but i jus wanna keep witin myself
my daddy wasss sooo cute
he cooked today && he said he neva jus to see wad was my reaction
not onli tat he bought all tibits tat me n my sis love
hahahahah
i knw he loves us
i love him tooo
but at times he does not show his love to us esp me
which hurts me alot
but nahhh its alritess
gotta run nw
gonna do my wrk nw
got tuition laterr
guess wad???
i neva do ani of my tuition wrk
gonna be deaddd =P' intox gall
I gave you my promise
on Monday, March 3, 2008; 5:27 PM